Cioccolata scura

To say that i have been busy would be to lie and to say that i have been a sloth would be degrading.

Actually i have been keeping a low profile because i have been feeling rather disconnected with almost every other thing. Living for the moment would be a good way of explaining what i have been up to.

This behaviour for some one who is known to be an extrovert could be explained by the realisation that dawned upon me about the state of many "relationships" that i have tried to maintain. The lack of acknowledgement by those that i have cared for so long seems to have been registered by my brain.

The result was the massive removal of contacts from my handphone and email address books, followed by a long period of "self - discovery".

I have not exactly gained much from this time although i can claim that i have shopped more comparatively to the previous GSS.

All this behaviour had come to an end by the 22nd of July 2007, Sunday, once i had finished reading Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows. For me it was a great read and i rate it as my favourite out of the 7 in the series. Besides its literary aspects, i began to appreciate the things that i have been taking for granted: the value of human relationships, the meaning of choices and the real worth of time.

I never seemed to get past themes like these during Literature and all of a sudden i got what i had been blocking off for a very long time.

Now i have begun to look at many things from a different light and i think i am happy with the way i am able to move on with my life after all that has happened.

It seems like i am willing to intergrate into swirling pool of human relationships and be lost in it.

So the familiar that had become rather alien - like for me is now pretty much fine and i have started yearning for things of the past like Debating and doing Sports.

If only there was a Recreational Ladies soccer team or a Hockey team(my mum has threatened to be horrid if i join a full fledged one as she is afraid of me breaking my bones), i would be back to normal.

AnneJ smiles at 8/02/2007 09:44:00 PM | Permalink | Comments

And i went back to MJ yesterday to get my A level Cert and attend Dr S's lecture.

It was swell being back at the place that i have been missing loads these days. The teachers were just as friendly and i think it was great that i still went down on my own even after i dumped by Lisa and Tricia. At least i had fun speaking with all the teachers especially, Mrs Logan, Dr S, Mr Max Chong and Mrs Tay. The only downer was that Mrs Chua had left for Dunman High - these news were told to me when i said hi to Mr Chen when i was at least 2 cabins away from where he was sitting.

I want to go back MJ once more before the end of this month. Till then, i have to finish reading all that i have procrastinatng and catch that which will be released on the 12th of July.

Yippi Di Do - said by Mrs Chua and scribbled by me onto a Geog Lecture note last year.

Till later, ta ya'll.

P.S: Wan Wen, i am really sorry that i can't make it to your farewell, am really caught up with loads of things. So i shall say my byes and wish you all the luck and hope that you have grand time in the land of the Aussies. Take care my friend.

AnneJ smiles at 7/10/2007 09:32:00 AM | Permalink | Comments

All the depression is now turning into frustration and i am getting frustrated at no one else but myself.

Yea sure there is one other person that is going through the same situation that i am but at least she has people that are supporting her, that includes me. But there is no one that i can tell them about whats going on with me. Really i just can't explain the situation at home without them being at a total lost.

These days there is nothing that makes me happy. Seriously nothing. When i shop, my reason for buying something would that it would be useful. I have begun to supress my own wants because i have realised that wishing is something that only gives you hope.

The reason, that has surfaced recently, to explain the situation at home lies on a basis that i used to believe in its existence but have never experienced it before. It is this reason that has gotten my mind so messed up that leads me to being so frustrated at myself that i have to tell myself to calm down and not to lash at anyone.

The amazing thing is that i have not lashed at anyone, not a single person and that includes those absolutely irritating call centre people advertising their non existent products. But the frustration that builds up is really weird, it makes me mumb and the person who asks nicely if i am fine, gets a blank reply of i am fine and nothings wrong.

Being frustrated at others can be gotten rid off by rationalising but being frustrated at your ownself is being plain silly and nonsensical because it does not achieve anything.

AnneJ smiles at 6/20/2007 01:49:00 PM | Permalink | Comments

May 30, 2007 - Lindsay Lohan is back in rehab. Back? Wasn’t she just there? Fellow bad girl Britney Spears wasn’t in long enough for her hair to grow back. Meanwhile, Paris Hilton zipped right by rehab and picked up the GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL card.

In the last year or so, rehab has become the ultimate publicity tool, a brief break from the glitzy life, a chance to burnish one’s reputation. (The bad girls aren’t alone in this regard; see Mel Gibson, Isaiah Washington.) What we’ve forgotten is that rehab is supposed to result in rehabilitation. Hence the name. Rehabilitating one’s life, when it’s broken and damaged, is not just a weekend stay.

I never went to rehab. I should have. I plunged willingly, desperately, into addiction at the pliable age of 15. My poison, my love, was speed. It came in pretty colored tablets called amphetamines. Over the years it changed to capsules—some clear with orange and black granules inside, some pure black. Like the devil. Like hell.

Like the hell I lived in well into my 20s. Cocaine replaced pills at some point. But that wasn’t a big change. I was on the same rushing road—the road that too often leads to a fiery blinding end, way before your years would justify death by anything other than a speeding car or a bullet.
I quit because I decided not to die. I quit all alone—the same way I started. I quit in spite of long nights when the taste of cocaine would come up in my throat—drifting up out of my cells, I guess—and I wanted it so badly my nails dug into my palms until they drew blood. I quit by trying to live inside a body that was so much older than my years—I could actually feel my blood, my organs lurching along, almost like they were asking what they were supposed to do without the jacked up jolt of the drugs they’d gotten used to for so many years. My thoughts, my head, my dreams … black doesn’t even begin to describe that territory. For over a decade, I’d only known the world through the blur of speed.

It was the late '70s. There probably was rehab in some form, but I didn’t know, and I didn’t search. I wish so badly now that I had been able to go into a facility like the ones that abound now. An environment dedicated to pushing me into wellness. An environment with people who had already stumbled down the road that was before me, people who could teach me, console me, shake me up. People who knew my excuses, my rationalizations, my manipulations even before they came out of my mouth.

It makes me angry when I see how the opportunity of being in rehab can be abused as nothing more than a slick PR move. A brief retreat from the paparazzi. How lucky these celebrities are to be able to go to one of these facilities (which are not cheap) and to benefit from the wisdom and help that waits behind the gates.

I struggled for years to learn on my own what someone like Lohan could learn in months, if she were willing to do so. Of course, that learning also has to be followed by practice. Every day. Forever. But it can start in rehab.

Abusing ourselves with any kind of substance abuse is a violation of the gift of life—it isn’t what any of us were put here for. And treating rehab like it’s just a strategic career move is practically blasphemous.

I imagine the other people in these rehab facilities, watching a celebrity breeze in for a week or so, then leave. I imagine their anger—actually, I don’t have to imagine it, I feel it, too. It’s hard to fix the places where you’re broken, hard to wrestle with your demons. If you don’t take the help that’s available along the way, there will come a day when you are left all alone with demons that have grown so big and so vicious that you can’t defeat them. A lot of people know that and commit themselves to the hard and serious work of rehab. They're the ones who won't have to face the bleak dark road that waits for those celebrities who believe bright lights define them.

Davis, the daughter of Nancy and Ronald Reagan, is a writer based in Los Angeles.

© 2007 Newsweek, Inc.

AnneJ smiles at 6/05/2007 05:16:00 PM | Permalink | Comments

Well life has been mundane - hope that explains the lack of posts.

The stint was done and over on the 24th of May and its time to revel it. (drum roll is of no need) I was working as a relief teacher at Saint Patrick's School teaching English and Literature. I know, i have said that i would never be a teacher but well i jumped into this because i thought i should go for it since i have the time to afford. Its a great experience really. I never thought that i could teach to a class of 40 boys who can barely sit still.

The truth is, the first week wasn't great as i had to scream at the guys to settle down - thanks to all the stuff that i was told in the stuffroom. But as time passed, i wasn't strict. I played hangman with the guys, teased them about their girlfriends and rubbed it in when Man U lost. Yea well since i wasn't there long enough, clearly they didn't get to know me that well, even though some of the midgets have found my friendster. I have heard from others if i feel appreciated considering how much i actually did for them - i never gave them a bad remark or left them with any yellow form, well the truth is Not really but it really doesn't matter as long as those that listened during my class passed and did well in their exams.

With the stint done and over with, i will definately not mind if they address me by my name - to think about it, i am only about 5 - 6 years older then them (depending on which class i was in).

So thats done and i am glad that i took the chance.

Moving on, life is monotonous. So am definately not interested in commenting on it.

I still have to watch Pirates 3 and re-read HP 6. Goodness i feel like a sloth these days - considering i just finished the 3/4 KitKat Chunky i had left in the fridge and i still feel like eating.

Ta ya'll as i raid my kitchen.

AnneJ smiles at 6/05/2007 04:22:00 PM | Permalink | Comments

that i had shaken off all the worries and left it in the hands of those two in my house, i realised what a bitch that outsider is.

At first i thought that i was going to rant, but now i simply can't form the words. Tears would form in my eyes and make it seem as if there is a well of tears waiting to burst out but all that come out are two tears that will roll down my cheeks and fall onto my t-shirt.

I had thought that i had seen the worst but apparently i hadn't. I had thought that there was limit to what people would do for money but there isn't. I had thought that if i leave matters up to those to things would fall into place but clearly that isn't going to happen thanks to that bitch.

Now that i have learnt that she has been the one fueling the fire of discord in my house, i really could not think of what to do. I had thought that when i get back home today, i can start on finalising which other route am i going to be taking thanks to that rejection letter that i got.

But clearly someone out there is bent to make our lives miserable, while she is having fun. I could slap her but i know that things aren't going to change with the slap. And there is nothing else that i will do.

Goodness, i just need a break. I know i won't get that any time soon. So thats that.

There was a time when i used to think that people who slash themselves are silly but now i think i understand why do that. At least they will be able to feel a pain that is tangible than the pain and sorrow that they are going through.

Maybe i should stop wallowing in self pity as there are people out there in the world who may be worse of than me. I think i should.

Maybe i have and maybe i have tried to move on but every time i take a step forward i do not see a path, instead i see a never ending abyss.

While sunshine is guaranteed after every thunderstorm, the devastation and destruction that the storm leaves behind cannot be erased or hidden by the glare of the sunshine.

I do know that life isn't a bed of roses but the irony lies in the fact that i can't seem to get Bon Jovi's Bed of Roses out of my head.

AnneJ smiles at 5/21/2007 06:35:00 PM | Permalink | Comments

I had thought i would treat myself by pre-ordering the HP book 7 but i didn't.

I was a total fool today at the place i work (for those of you who do know please do not announce it on my blog, there is a reason. Sms/email me and i will tell you.) and i gloriously covered it up before they realised what a horried fool i am.

Oh and just a thought, i want to go roller blading when its raining - doesn't have to be pouring, drizzling will do. I think it would be grade. Am just worried that the blades will stink if they don't dry properly and my scorpian prowlers are mighty expensive.

Swimming in the rain - been there, done that. Its a glorious feeling especially when i take a huge breath and stay underwater to see the rain fall right into the water. Swimming under the hot sun - done that loads of times, evidence 1: never fading tan due to the layers of tan that have accumulated over the years and evidence 2: hair that turning lighter after every single session these days. My mum who always bugs me to exercise ends up getting a "heart attack" when she sees these 2 evidences.

How am i supposed to water proof my blades? I think i am going bonkers once again.

AnneJ smiles at 5/16/2007 05:57:00 PM | Permalink | Comments

I have given up hope about the situation at home. If there is a God, i hope you will listen to my prayers and take into consideration the vows that i have taken. I am not going to be the least bothered about the situation at home no more. I do know that it will affect me. my mood will go bad etc but i really can't lose who i am at the end of the day.

I recently realised that my personality has had a major change although many can't tell as i am pretty much the same on the surface.

Have to work on that. Besides, i feel that i am just ruining my own life and future by fretting over something that was not caused by me and does not revolve around me. If they are interested in patching up, so be it. If not, i am leaving it in the hands of whoever is out there. If they care about me they will try to fix the situation and help themselves. But i am not going to do a single thing about anything from now on.

Seriously, there is a limit to how much pressure i can take, there is a limit to the facade of being happy and fine when i am actually worried and depressed deep down inside. It may be wrong to swear but i swear that i am just sick and tired of all this.

Its not as if i don't have enough worries in my life that i have to carry the burden of your worries and make you happy at my expense. So thats it. Lesson learnt: If others want to live a happy and carefree life at my expense they can jolly well go lie in the mud because that is where they won't have to face any worries as i simply do not care anymore.

Call me selfish in this matter and i shan't give a toot about you as i have had it and thats my limit. I am still the same caring person that i used to be but don't expect me to trust easily from now on.

I swear this world is filled with selfish people and it just so happens to be that i have met the majority of them.

Moving on, i think i will make a shout out to Marlina. It was such a pity that you left and we couldn't meet you. I really wanted to meet you and pass you my note and the bangle/bracelet that i got for you. Hope you liked it. Besides, do keep in touch when i get the time to come on MSN or send you a email. Am really sorry for this late message as i have been bogged down by loads of things, one being the above mentioned issue. So i would just like to thank you for those great times that we spent together in school and i sincerley hope that you have a great life ahead and all your dreams come true. Cheers girl and take care.

So thats that and i am left filling a whole lot lighter. Now that i have tossed the burden off my shoulder, i can worry about my life and related problems.

So do expect the old girl that used to be up to crazy antics pretty soon.

AnneJ smiles at 5/06/2007 10:09:00 AM | Permalink | Comments